My cup overfloweth

“When you’ve flown as far as you can, you’re halfway there.”

-The Legend of the Guardians

I was immediately captured when I first heard the foregoing quote. For me, it represented diligence, self-reliance, positivity with a bit of cynicism thrown in; virtues that the world taught us as good and healthy. I bought it hook, line and sinker…but true enough, I only reached the half-way mark.

Notice that the quote focuses on the self as the main factor? Or the fact the “other” halfway or the source thereof was dismissed as unimportant to be mentioned. When I failed the bar on my first take, I started to see the quote from a different perspective. I got over my initial belief and wondered, “How will I get over the other half?”

I would caution any other prospective bar-takers from asking for a prayer, or any advice, from me. Why? Because they just might get offended if I refuse to pray that they pass the bar on the first take and instead pray for what they really need- which just might include falling flat on their faces and realizing that there’s more to life than passing the bar. I can’t, in good conscience, pray that they be deprived of an experience which I honestly consider as the best thing that could have happened to me.

"Failing does not mean that you are a failure." I heard that from a pastor I looked up to. Yes, it may cause you to play along the fringes of insanity and to bouts of overwhelming depression as times but you know what? It just might make you stop, notice and appreciate the good things that you have all along.

When I failed for the first time, love, the type that will not fluctuate and does not depend on what you have or don’t have, bombarded me from all angles. I felt it from my dad, from my stepmom, my brothers, sisters and friends who I thought all along were just there because I projected a perfect image. I told a good friend of mine who passed the bar on the first take, “I may not know how it feels to pass the bar on the first try but you will also not feel THIS- the outpouring of unconditional love that’s so real." Love, that I thought all along as something abstract, became the only real thing in my life.”

On my second try, many said it would be difficult; they were right. They said it would be hard; they were correct. They said it would be impossible- they could never have been more wrong!

This, whatever THIS is, is a shout-out to the “other half” who I realized were with me all along this quest, offering me their strength when I have nothing more to offer.

To my dad- the person who made it so much easier to treat God as Abba because he embodied all that is good about being a dad. He never said a word but just asked me if I wanted to take another review class, to which I declined. Ask any friend of mine who has met my father and they will extol his virtues far more than I could. Forgive me if I puff up my chest a bit and declare to the whole world, “Wala kayo sa tatay ko!”

To my stepmom- it would have been enough for you to love my dad as much as you have but for you to open up your heart, your family, and your self to me and my siblings simply takes my breath away every time I think of it. Tita Wilma, you are not merely the best stepmom that a stepson could ever ask for but also the best person that anyone could ever meet. I can’t give you a better compliment than saying that if everyone has your selflessness, the world will be heaven itself.

To my brother, sisters and siblings-in-law; the people who silently called me "Attorney" even when all I did was take a nap. I will forever thank God for letting me experience failure because if He hadn’t, I wouldn’t have seen that you all were the proverbial wind that make me soar. Each and every one of you; Kuya Allan, Ate Owie, Kuya Wilfred, Ate Lotlot, Kengkeng and Yeye - this is a toast to the experiences, the prayers, the bond that I have with each of you that I won’t ever have with anyone else.

To Tita Weng and Yenyen Monterola and Madelyn Escobar-people who did not flinch when I asked them for a very huge favor during the bar. I did not ask for the prayers of any other person except for my family and these persons because I know that they will not merely pray for a passing grade but will also pray for my soul, which is way more important than any privilege that any body can confer. God, our God, answers prayers!

To Sweet Balucanag- for letting me wallow in self-pity for a bit and held her usually acerbic tongue during my “depres-depresan” moments.

To the people of AJA law- Atty. William, Atty. Vimvim, Atty. Perc, who I must say developed the confidence in writing a memorandum during my stint as a legal researcher at their firm.

To other friends- too many to mention- who understood that I had to drop off from the edge of the world and drift in the chaotic world of laws, jurisprudence, legal concepts doctrines and consequently had to beg off from bonding moments. You were the anchor whenever I felt myself drifting off to the whirlpool of insanity. Special shout-out to a certain RTC judge who first saw my potential and affirmed my still fledgling confidence that I could be a lawyer when I was still a first year law student; the Police Colonel who picked up my tab whenever I took a breather and joined the law school bratpack for dinner and laag during the review; the HRM Department head, Ma’am Joy Soriano, of ACD who did not just believed in me but actually staked her professional credentials and reputation so that I can have a break when I needed it the most.

To the various cliques that I’m a member of- McJarm, Wet Marketers, U.T.O.G, Law school bratpack, IE class 02, Comm Arts class 05, Paragon 05 Sore group and various people I share a history with- cheers to you, cheers to us!

To the University of Mindanao Law School Department- for giving a chance to working students like me to pursue a chance for a membership to such a noble profession.

To my mom and several of my dogs up in heaven; to my relatives; to other friends and acquaintances who I shared a “season of life” with- THANKS!

To the PPC family, especially to Mam Ka, GNJ, SEP, Kit and Joyax- the ol’ gang together with Dheb- thank you soooo much! Four years of almost daily bonding will take a portion of my soul and just like a salted egg inside a Tai Thong Mooncake, our memories are lodged in a special place inside me.

To my God, the Alpha and the Omega, the Lifter of my head and the Source of all my springs- when other people see their cups s either half-full or half-empty, you have shown me that as your adopted son, my cup will always overflow. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life because you are my God and I know that whatever happens, even when I myself is trying to let go, You would hold me fast and would rather die than see me in hell.

(I’ve decided to re-post a portion of my note entitled “Sun and Moon” to wrap this up. Kapoy na man gud sulat….)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “When you keep on telling someone that he is superman, somehow, somewhere, he just might believe you.” I’ve had some very humbling experience on the matter so believe me. I was a simple person, living a simple life, who stumbled upon victory after victory after victory during my late teen years and early twenties. When people asked me how’d I do it, I pointed to heaven and say, “To God be the glory!” I pointed and pointed…until I stopped pointing. Every time I’m faced with a particularly heavy task, people will tell me, “Kaya mo ‘yan! Kaw pa!” I didn’t know where they got the idea because I truly did not know how I did all the other stuff- but stupid me, I started to believe them.

See, I sorta become addicted to approval. Because of the pressure of proving myself, I began to take on more than I can chew just to show the world that yes, I just maybe Superman. I did it again, and again, until I couldn’t do it anymore. I began to lose my trust in Him. I began rooting my confidence on all the wrong things- my looks, my job, my accomplishments. I forgot that I was supposed to give glory and not get glory for myself.

I reflected on a previous post on how God provided a great fish to swallow Jonah. The fish was not to get back at Jonah but to lead him back to God. God, in his mercy, provided the same for me. Okay, maybe not a great fish but a series of small and mid-sized “fishes” that eventually left me with nothing. The things that I rooted my confidence on began to disappear one by one. To a former model, the worst thing is to lose your looks; to a person who has had always had a job, the worst thing is to be unemployed; to a control freak, the worst thing is to wonder what went wrong; to someone who was used to a fast lifestyle, the worst thing is to wait; to an achiever, the worst thing is to fail.

I failed spectacularly!

It’s no secret that I hit rock-bottom last year. My mind was playing along the boundaries of insanity and my heart was just…empty. To top it all off, I hit thirty. To someone touted as the most likely to succeed in his class, I had nothing when the big three-oh came. Then, my dear dog Toyi-toyi died…You want rock-bottom? I’ll give you rock bottom.

Then, on one of my morning devotions, God lead me to Psalm 61. “Hear my cry O Lord, attend to my prayers…lead me to the rock that’s higher than I.” It’s as if God was speaking to me face to face. “Yes, this is rock bottom. But have you forgotten who your rock is?” That morning, I almost cried my eyes off. I began to understand who God is- my God. He allowed each and every mishap I had so that I’ll rely on Him again.

For now, I’m starting to get my mojo back. But one thing that I pray for daily is that instead of shining like the sun, to be the just like the moon. The phases of the moon simply reflect its degree of exposure to the sun. I’m exposing my whole mind, my whole heart, my soul, my strengths, my weaknesses, my failures and accomplishments, my talents and abilities to Him and Him alone, praying that like the moon, I will only shine fully when nothing stands in the way of my God and me- in much the same way that the moon fully shines only when nothing, especially the world, is blocking the sun.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

 You know my sitting down and my rising up;

         You understand my thought afar off.

 You comprehend my path and my lying down,

         And are acquainted with all my ways.

 For there is not a word on my tongue,

         But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.

 You have hedged me behind and before,

         And laid Your hand upon me.

 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

         It is high, I cannot attain it.

 Where can I go from Your Spirit?

         Or where can I flee from Your presence?

 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

 If I take the wings of the morning,

         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

 Even there Your hand shall lead me,

         And Your right hand shall hold me.

 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”

         Even the night shall be light about me;

 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

         But the night shines as the day;

         The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

 For You formed my inward parts;

         You covered me in my mother’s womb.

 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

         Marvelous are Your works,

         And that my soul knows very well.

 My frame was not hidden from You,

         When I was made in secret,

         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

         And in Your book they all were written,

         The days fashioned for me,

         When as yet there were none of them.

 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

         How great is the sum of them!

 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

         When I awake, I am still with You.

For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;

         You are my trust from my youth.

 By You I have been upheld from birth;

         You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.

         My praise shall be continually of You.

 I have become as a wonder to many,

         But You are my strong refuge.

 Let my mouth be filled with Your praise

         And with Your glory all the day.

 But I will hope continually,

         And will praise You yet more and more.

 My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness

         And Your salvation all the day,

         For I do not know their limits.

 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;

         I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only.

 O God, You have taught me from my youth;

         And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.

 Now also when I am old and grayheaded,

         O God, do not forsake me,

         Until I declare Your strength to this generation,

         Your power to everyone who is to come.

 Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,

         You who have done great things;

         O God, who is like You?

 You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

         Shall revive me again,

         And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.

 You shall increase my greatness,

         And comfort me on every side.

(Ps. 139: 1-18, Ps. 71: 5-8, 14-21)

All the glory, power and honor belong to my God!